i was dd last night, only had a glass of wine and a sip of something. i'm such a tough critic when i'm sober. anyway. this past week i was able to see more of my new zealand girls jo and hana--which has been really nice. i miss having girlfriends!! so last night i opted to roll with jo to broadway bar for nam's bday thing. i got to dress her =)


and then my camera ran out of batteries.

i hate coming home late all awake and more sober than drunk, i decided. because then i start thinking about things, and then i realize how heavy my boots are. last night i was about to get back into an old habit that i've suppressed months ago--i was about ready for bed and i was about to call someone to fall asleep on. haha, pretty selfish of me at the time, but for awhile it was my daily and drunken routine. and then i realized...there's no one for me to call at 3am. no one that will pick up or wake up to talk to, no one that i'd feel comfortable calling after one drink.

and so i thought about myself, and my options, and i'm pretty screwed. i'm pretty shiney exteriored most of the time but truth of the matter is, i cant stand people who have had perfect upbringings. ok that was a dramatic statement, i can stand them of course but there's definitely a disconnect. and there's a lot to learn from them--one day i want to raise my kids perfectly and not have them face any traumatizing adversities. but when i'm surrounded by perfectly happy people i feel extra broken. i'm pretty happy most of the time though, when i'm not thinking about my heavy boots.

i'm going to buy a journal today. and medicine. i cannot be sick again. i was sick last month wtf.