[and some bosa nova]

check it out now, the funk soul brother: http://www.montagebeverlyhills.com/

is it sad that the service here is so great that i actually feel loved and happy?

audit room balcony


*yawn* all those drinks got me all contemplative ;p

for those who have had the pleasure of seeing me in water 5ft+ deep, you probably have the luxury of an amusing mental image when i say that i'm a weak swimmer, at best. while seasoned swimmers took their turn with the diving board during p.e., i was comfortable in the lap pool messing around with my trusty little kickboard. but, out of curiousity, i wanted my try at taking the plunge. it may have been out of whim (or was it really out of requirement? i forget), but as i ascended the ladder, carefully gripping each rung, i really did think it through. i knew that i was 99% safe up there, seeing that there are others around to rescue me if need be, and i knew i had it in me to at least go up for air once and make my way to the edge. but no matter what mental preparations i had fostered, the moment i stood at the edge of the board looking down, i hesitated.

i hesitated, but i jumped. i made the decision to jump. love is not the jump, per se, it's the fall and whatever follows. the commitment is the jump--the decision to leap out of the mental barriers that not only protects us but cages us. once you jump, you have no choice but to follow through with all that it entails--the falling, the impact, the post impact. and commitment is not instantaneous either--it's a process. it's playing with the idea of jumping, it's working up the courage to walk over to the deep end and it's in every rung you climb until you're at the top. and when you're up there, you may have just gone too far to go back. you may jump with gusto or you may just accidentally fall. when you're up there you may know what to expect, but the moment you start falling, you can only hope.

and love itself is irrational, especially when you didn't mean to fall into it. but i'd like to think that it's initially the choice you consciously make that even allows you to get to that point of no return and control. if need be you can always abstain from the deep end and turn your back on the temptation of jumping.

love is everywhere, and love goes anywhere. you have your first loves, your true loves, your unrequitted loves, your wish-i-hadn't loves. you have your different degrees of love--the love for sleeping in, getting postcards, travelling, the $200 dress, the sunrise, disneyland, the best friend, your family, your significant other. love is pretty amazing. but love can also be fickle and volatile, which means it can be dangerous and destructive. and that's why commitment in love is so desirable to me. why wouldn't anyone want to make that choice to cultivate and eternalize that state of being and feeling? now that's just whack.

+ i don't get it, what changed?

+i'm sleepy! goodnight.